We had to check out at 10am (which seems to be standard across NZ) and for once we made it. Breakfast was going to be nice, healthy muesli but seeing as nobody at the KiwiPaka wanted to serve us we headed off for the Skyline Skyway.

A NZ$20 cable car ride up the hill (it’s not big enough by local standards to be a mountain) got us up to a nice viewpoint with somewhere to eat – toasties all round. We bought three tickets for the luge and the heavens opened. Again.

Just round the corner was a little shooting gallery at NZ$6 a pop. Great way to blow a few minutes and long enough for a blue spot to appear in the clouds. As luck would have it, the “scenic” route was closed for maintenance so we had to start on the intermediate. Usually, as a rule, you have to have your first go of the day on the easy one. We used two of our tickets and (after digging for 10 minutes to find a pair of helmets that fitted) prepared to fling ourselves down a concrete track on flimsy pieces of wheeled plastic.

 We then flung ourselves down a concrete track on flimsy pieces of wheeled plastic. And it was fun! The luges are like sledges with wheels underneath and a scooter handle at the front. You sit in them and move the handle back (brake, or more accurately “slow down almost impreceptibly”), middle (neutral i.e. “go”) and forward (park or “pitch forward and break your nose” depending on how fast you’re going when you do it).

The tracks are very much fun with some nice scenery as you go down. OK, I wasn’t paying much attention to the scenery, more on how slippy the concrete was after the recent downpour.

Amazingly, we both made it to the bottom unscathed although Lou did seem to take slightly longer than me. In fairness, I’m slightly more mad and she had the benefit of experience in that she’d been scared witless doing the same track a month earlier. By far the worst bit was the open chair-car ride back up when the rain started, the wind picked up and some muppet seemed to get stuck at the bottom causing us to swing in the icy gale for 5 minutes partway up. Next stop – the toilet, to make full use of the hot-air blowers to defrost our fingers and dry our clothes.

 I used the final ticket for a go on the advanced course… and it’s definitely a step up from the intermediate. At one point the course is a definite 1:2 gradient and you pick up speed at an amazing pace. There’s no point in pulling the stick back to brake. At those speeds the braking mechanism would melt.

Annoyingly, it wasn’t until the cable car dropped us off at the bottom that I remembered I wanted to pick up a certificate from the gifty shop. I wasn’t about to pay 20 bucks to get up there to buy one so I guess I’ll have to wait till next time.

Next door to the Skyway is a very pleasant 18-hole minigolf course. Through pouring rain and poor visibility, Lou and I proved that we were both utterly crap at golf with equal massively above-par scores. But at least the scenery was nice in between deluges. And they loaned us a brolly.

A quick trip to the lake was required to get some pictures of the black swans and their cygnets, the geese, the seagulls… And then into the car for the short journey to Taupo where we arrived slightly later than intended. About 5 hours later. Part of the reason for this was a stopoff at the Huka Falls, not far north of Taupo itself. These are part of a magnificent white-water stretch which, surprise surprise, Kiwis find great fun in whacking down in rafts, rubber tyres and kayaks.

 Taupo itself is a pleasant place, filled with old people. It’s also fairly unique amongst non-major towns in New Zealand in that I can actually pronounce the name without folding my tongue in three. Maori may be a great tradition and heritage, but the language is somewhat like German with less spitting. Or Welsh without the “hawking” and hatred of the English.

The hostel was a fairly rudimentary affair (wooden floor, dinky TV, thin sheets and what seemed to be icy air pumped in as far as Lou was concerned) with a cracking bar underneath. This was Destination Dinner and, for NZ$9.95 each, we had a mountain of mash, some huge bangers and around 2/3 of a bottle of HP Sauce between us. Also a small beer and a glass of wine. Bargain.

After dinner, Lou checked her mail while I rattled off some more lesson plans for Blue Dragon. I really need to get these emailed… Then downstairs to the bar again for far too much alcohol until they chucked us out so the staff could get some sleep.

I have vague recollections of Lou claiming to beat me at pool on a circular table, though due to the late hour and drinks I cannot vouch for the truth of this so I’m prepared to let it slip. There then followed a 7-or-so-hour period where we fought over the thin sheet and tried to convince our bodies we were getting some sleep. Our bodies weren’t fooled. 

 Having visited Heaven’s Gate while in Sa Pa, I thought I’d complete the set over here with a trip to Hell’s Gate. A localised collection of sulphurous deposits, steam baths, minature volcanos and boiling mudpools this site is run by Maoris and is historically of great importance to them. Many of the pools within it were named by George Bernard Shaw when he visited the area – in fact it was he who christened the area Hell’s Gate.

 What could be a boring collection of rocks with some steam coming out from under them simply isn’t. There are many different pools of varying sizes, hot rocks, huge steam baths, mud pools, geysers that are regular as clockwork (another park nearby has one that erupts at 10:40am every day), a beautiful steam-enshrouded waterfall. Some of the pools are uniformly hot, others have hot and cool areas. Some are full of chemicals, others virtually pure. There is one which reaches over 100 degrees celsius as a result of the impurities in it. Another maintains a steady 98 degrees and can be used to cook a whole pig in under 2 hours. In fact, towards the end of the walk there is an area where visitors can purchase raw food and cook it in the steam and hot water. There is also a mud spa where you can bathe in the stuff. Apparently it’s good for the skin, and also for curing those nasty little scrapes and gaping wounds you get in day to day combat as a Maori warrior.

 As a bonus, the café was very reasonably priced and they made a cracking ham and chicken toastie (I got a funny look ordering that).

The only downside was that about halfway around, my camera batteries started to give up the ghost. Then the replacements failed after half a dozen pictures. Heading back into town (via the lake until the rain started) I bought a bunch of new ones for about half the UK price from one of the few shops open. Kiwis don’t open up their shops on a Sunday even to the paltry extent we do back home.

Courtesy of the heavens opening, we opted not to visit the other steamy water park and returned to the KiwiPaka via KFC (mmm… double bacon cheeseburger!). The afternoon was spent chilling out and catching up on postards, blogs and so forth. Gradually, the rain eased and we walked back into town.

 Tonight we went to Freo’s, where we’d intended to go the previous night, and had another nice meal. Again, far too much food was provided, I know why the Irish had a potato famine – the Kiwis have all the damn things. Or at least it seems that way when you see how many chips you get with a burger. Dessert was a mindblowing selection of fresh fruits and sorbets (blackcurrant, lemon and mango).

We plodged back to the hostel in time to catch the early minutes of Pirates of the Caribbean and necked some alco-fuel while we watched it. After having seen this for what now amounts to the third time, bed beckoned all to willingly. 

 As Lisa still hadn’t decided to let loose her clutches on little Megan, we decided to hire a car and set off southwards. At some point shortly we expect a phone call r text to say she’s gone into labour. Most likely when it’s far too late for us to head back up and do anything about it until the little ‘un’s about 2 weeks old.

Thanks to Indy for letting us dump about 3/4 of our luggage at the house while we’re travelling. I haven’t told him yet, but the intention is to leave him with most of it when I vanish back to Hanoi as well. Shh. Don’t tell.

The car we hired was… budget. That is, it’s a rusty bucket with a noisy engine and damage to some of the door seals. Oh, and it’s a flipping automatic. The most bizarre thing, to my British mind, is that it’s a Toyota Corsa. Confusing to me because Vauxhall make Corsas in the UK. That’s Vauxhall who trade under the name Holden in NZ and Australia. Thing is, it looks nothing like a Corsa that I’m aware of. Or even the Corolla – “our” Toyota equivalent of the Corsa. Just… something in between.

Importantly, it moves. Forwards and backwards. It even manages corners, though the acceleration is pitiful. On the flipside this means it’s quite fuel-efficient. Petrol is about NZ$1.70 a litre here – roughly 55p – slightly more than half the UK prices. This apparently has been rising constantly over the last year when it wasn’t much more than NZ$1.20 a litre. Diesel is 40c a litre cheaper, but very few cars use it.

The little beast got us to Rotorua. Foul, sulphorous odours and bubbly, muddy messes. It’s astounding the similarities between this place and my bottom after 3 days on a virtually vegetarian diet.

Rotorua is famous predominantly for some serious underground heating due to lava flows relatively close to the earth’s surface. Dotted around are clouds of steam visible day and night, and the smell of sulphur does pervade. Some areas stink of it permanently. Louise and I were immune due to my dodgy tummy for the last week. I think the residents started to notice me above the smell of their local neighbourhood rotten egg production.

We stayed in the Kiwi Paka, just outside the town centre. A very pleasant place, at a nice low price. Comfy beds, very clean, quiet, cracking powerful shower and an outside heated pool available 24/7 (though we never got round to having a dip). They also have 20 Kiwi beers available in three sizes (taster, regular and half-litre).

What really sets them out from everywhere else we’ve been in the entire of New Zealand, though, is that they have central heating. Pipes through the walls carrying hot water. As far as Kiwis are concerned, this is probably the work of the devil himself – witchcraft! Hence the picture…

Our arrival was a little later than we expected due to me inflicting 2 months’ of holiday pictures on Indy, so we pretty much just wandered into town for food. We were spoiled for choice, our only problem being it was a Saturday night and many of the nicer places were booked out. Kiwis go out to eat on Saturdays and it was also the Super-14s (rugby) final. Not exactly sensibly, it was taking place as a night game in Christchurch – engulfed in fog. We actually thought the first pub we walked past had a problem with it’s projector telly till we realised it was the broadcast signal that was white with airbourne water vapour.

We settled on the Belgium Bar for dinner. I had a Kiwi Breakfast – my first meat in 3 days, I think – and a large glass of some delicious Belgian cherry beer. This plus a huge mushroom omelette and a stupidly large portion of Belgian waffles came to NZ$35… and we realised after we left that we’d been given NZ$10 too much change. Bargain!

It had been a long day so bed was settled into very early, after throwing quiz questions at each other when we should have had the lights out. I think the answer to number 16 was “Zzzzzzzz”. 

The last week-and-a-bit have really just been one big chill-out in Auckland. Overall I’ve done nowt except relish the delicacies I missed from home. Baked beans, proper milk, salt and vinegar crisps, chocolate that doesn’t taste like chalk. The cinema across the road has been well used despite the cost (damn their “blockbuster” pricing policy which means every film worth seeing costs $NZ15 for 6 weeks after release) and I’ve been having soup and fruit smoothies for brunch every day.

I have yet to jump off the Sky Tower, partly as it’s far too expensive and partly because I’m chicken. A lot of organisation has gone into the next couple of weeks, though. Planning, scheduling, picking cheap companies and good routes through the south island. And then Lisa went and threw it all to pot by not giving birth on Wednesday like she was supposed to. It now seems like little Megan won’t see the light of day before next Monday by which time we’ll be in Rotorua.

Typical.

Our schedule, for those of you who care is as follows:

Saturday 27th – set off from Auckland in a knacky-looking cheap hire car for Rotorua. We’re spending 2 nights there to look at geysers and bubbly sulfur mudbeds. Why we’re spending all this time to listen to glollopy farty noises when I’ve been eating beans on toast and omelettes for 2 weeks is beyond me, but hey.

Monday 29th – leave Rotorua and drive a little bit down the road to Lake Taupo for more scenery spotting. Assuming Louise hasn’t abandoned the car due to lack of oxygen and taken up residence on the roof rack.

Tuesday 30th – arrive in Wellington where I need to hand in my passport and hopefully get another Vietnamese visa. This takes 4 days, though, so I’ll just have to cross my fingers till I get back up from the south island.

Thursday 1st June – traipse over the water on a ferry to Picton, collect a different car and drive down to Christchurch via Lou’s uncle’s. Arrive early enough in Christchurch to provide Rob with cake for his birthday and then drink all his and Pam’s beer.

Fri 2nd to Mon 5th – eat all of Pam & Rob’s food and use their car to get places around Christchurch. Hey, we’re on a budget here. And I just twigged Rob reads this so I better add that we’re only making full use of the generosity shown by a wonderful couple of the best friends a person could ever have. I also promise I won’t allow Lou to “hide” any of the cats in our luggage when we leave.

Tue 6th to whatever the 19th is – drive a campervan around the south island. This is where the nice pictures and videos of me screaming as I fall off tall things will come from. Updates may be sporadic depending on internet availability.

In the meantime, we’re off out to a comedy show tonight and then to see X-Men 3 tomorrow. Civilisation – enjoy it while it lasts.