My time in Phuket draws to a close, and it’s a shame as I’ve had a great time. Today I went on an “adventure” excursion. This included white water rafting, 4×4 ATV driving, swimming by a waterfall, ox-cart riding (which I did this time) and elephant riding. I ended up spending the day tagging along with Juanita from New York, who’d separated from her tour group to do a bit more of “her own thing” for a few days. She was wonderful company and another person who helps restore my faith in a nation I can’t help but have a bad opinion of due to their pathetic little president’s actions. But I’ll save the politics for another blog!

The rafting, by the staff’s own admission, is better during the wet season. To help, they have dams set up along the route and water is released every morning at 11. It was still great fun, but I’d guess the severity of the rapids would only rate as a 2 on the 5-point scale they use. I’m no expert, though. One to add to the list for New Zealand, methinks.

We were then driven to a waterfall deep in the jungle. The water was much cleaner than the one in Chiang Mai from the previous week as there has been less rainfall. It was only a short stop, but I did get a swim and a few pictures.

Lunch wasn’t as impressive as that on the Bond tour, but still very good and very filling. It seems to be standard practice to have a noisy begging cat at any outdoor Thai restaurant and this place was no different. Again, I may have accidentally dropped some food.

After we were all filled to the gills, we were driven to the same elephant park I’d visited on Friday. Juanita decided to buy her photo from the rapids ride, as did the fella from NZ who’d been on it with us. We then saw half an elephant show (the young female had run off and they couldn’t find her) and had an elephant ride. I actually enjoyed this one a little more then the one in Chiang Mai. The elephant didn’t bestow a gift of snotty legs on me, and the scenery was a lot nicer.

As mentioned above, I actually did the ox-cart ride this time. It was literally two minutes round a hand-made track, though somehow rather enjoyable. I think it was the effort that had gone into making it which impressed me.

Finally, ATV riding. Ozzy Osbourne and Rik Mayall have both come croppers on these in the fairly recent history, so I took it easy.

Not.

 I only got four laps, but I hared round. I think I lapped everyone else who was there at the same time as me and I definitely got muddier. One lad on the tour gave up after three laps (he crashed twice) so I got his last lap. Thanks to Juanita for taking a pic of me flying past on the last corner. It’s my fault it came out blurry as I was so darn fast!

On the way back, we stopped at a gem showroom (not on the schedule). Inevitably, all the woman headed for the sparklies while their partners stuffed all their cash into their shoes. Personally, I was fascinated by the hugely impressive fishtanks. One contained six small sharks (the largest maybe a foot long), while another had some amazing creatures including the most unusual eel I’ve ever seen. If it stayed still it looked like white porcelain with black spots on it.

I didn’t get a chance to find out Juanita’s email or anything as we were separated into different buses for our trips back to our various hotels. A shame, as she apparently has a nice large apartment and I’ve not visited New York yet 😉 Just in case she finds this blog, “thank you” for the conversation and the company. Cherry on the top of a very enjoyable day!

By now you’ll be expecting me to tell you how much I enjoyed my last trip to Swensons in Phuket. Hold still your beating hearts… but I didn’t go. Siobhan was late getting back from diving, and by 7:30 I was ravenous so wandered off by myself and wolfed down a McD’s. Going to Swenson’s alone would negate the guilt-sharing formula so I skipped it.

Unfortunately, all good things etc. Just over an hour later, I was on the back of a moped (with 15.6kg of rucksack attached to me) being zoomed through the streets of Phuket by a madman. Fortunately, this was only for five or ten minutes until we reached his house and all my luggage was transferred to his car.

I felt safer on the bike.

Now I’ve driven some clunkers in my time, but this took the oil-soaked biscuit. Anything less then third gear and something clanked near the front right wheel. Actually, it felt like the wheel itself doing the clunking which was really worrying.

Somehow we made it to the airport in good time for me to check in. Between this fare and the one at Bangkok, it cost me 49Baht less in taxi fares than I’d spent on the air fare (not including taxes).

I had a spare hour or so until my flight boarded, so I switched this little beast on and started tapping… and was pleasantly surprised to find not one but four unsecure wireless connections in the area. One didn’t work, two led to pages telling me I needed to buy airtime and one got me right online with no fuss. I managed to get a few emails off before someone noticed the little green light flickering on the box in the corner of their office and pulled the plug. Spoilsports.

About this time, I glanced up and noticed the FA Cup semi between Boro and West Ham was on the tellies in the departure lounge. I can’t remember the last time I hoped for a 75-minute delay for a flight. This wasn’t to be and we actually took off promptly and landed in Bangkok twenty minutes early. Still, I saw the first half hour.

I’m now sat in Big John’s, my laundry’s been handed in and I’m sleeping in the 12-bed dorm for the first time. I wish I’d booked it before as it’s 60Baht cheaper than the 6-bed. However, there aren’t any decent lockers so I might still try and pinch one in the other room for my laptop when I’m out tomorrow. I’m going to upload this lot and crash out – after the replay of the Liverpool match from yesterday has finished! 

I made it through 8 beers last night and was up till 4:30 watching a variety of films (avoid Aeon Flux – it’s awful) with one of the Irish girls and the only other single bloke in the hostel.

It chucked it down overnight and in the morning, but by lunchtime the sun was out and I headed back to Patong with 5 lovely Irish ladies for some beach relaxation. Two headed off for shopping, however, and ended up coming back to Phuket Town early to get their hair done. Apparently this is somewhat perilous as the staff often only know one hairstyle.

Soaking up the sun was OK, but I wanted to try something new. 700Baht later, I was the proud hirer of a single-seat jetski. VRRRRM!!! These things are fun! I literally laughed out loud as I leapt over waves and turned with huge sprays of water. A word of warning to the fellas – at speed, stand in the seat and use your legs as suspension otherwise you will stand no chance of ever having children.

I also helped rescue two Thai girls who had capsized their jetski. One’s lifejacket was far to large and she kept slipping out of it. She managed to cling to my jetski until the hirers arrived and took them back ashore. Curiously only two people bothered to stop and help them – myself and a young lad with a Geordie accent.

Jetskiing’s definitely something I’ll do again. Great fun. My legs were wobbling when I started walking again. Riding the waves was like using a stepmaster for half an hour. Alas, the first clothing casualty occured when I realised I’d left my NUFC cap on the beach. Gah. At least this one lasted 5 weeks or so. The last cap I lost on holiday didn’t make it off the coach in the transfer from the airport to the hotel.

For dinner we stopped at the Rock Bar again. I went for the Kong Burger this time and barely finished it. I also discovered that not all women like cats when a poor, battered puddy tat arrived on the scrounge. All three women threatened serious harm if I fed it as it would “only encourage it and I don’t like cats”. So, obviously, I ignored them. Hey, it’s a cat. It had tar all over one paw and it was scrawny. Cat. People. Cat. People. Friends and family will know which I’m more sympathetic toward.

Rumours are rife that we once again visited Swensons. There are also rumours that when we sat down the staff said “same as last time?” and got the order right.

The rumours are true.

Again. I blame the women. They, in turn, blame me. This is a good arrangement as it all cancels out and therefore nobody is to blame. I also have a theory about ice cream in that there’s only a finite amount of guilt associated with any particular feast. The more people attend said feast, the less guilt is attributable to each individual. So a big party with huge amounts is better for you guiltwise than a sneaky 99 Flake.

Well, my theory has good support over here!

The evening turned into a veritable footie feast. I saw a fair bit of the Arsenal/Spurs match, got back to the hostel just as we opened the scoring in our televised game and then sat through the Liverpool/Chelsea FA Cup game. A pack of Irish girls attempted to watch Brokeback Mountain and we allowed them twenty minutes of the second half so that we could catch the end of the game, then the TV was theirs. As a result, we missed two of the goals and I noticed when I went upstairs afterwards that they’d given up on the film as well. I have a sneaky suspicion it’s because the start of it had been so flipping awful they couldn’t bear to inflict the remaining hour and a half on themselves.

 I had an early start on Friday morning for my trip to James Bond Island (Kao Phing-kan). We were driven to a petrol station for the transfer to the main bus and I was delighted to see that all the smokers were made to put out their fags before entering the shop. Wandering round the fuel pumps, though, wasn’t an issue.

Eek.

An hour or so’s drive took us to a Safari centre – an encampment made up of thatched bamboo huts where they offered elephant rides, ox cart rides, monkey shows and the like. I skipped out on the cart ride (it was only 2 minutes anyway) and enjoyed/endured the elephant show. Much as I was impressed with what these huge creatures could do (walk on their hands, slam dunk a basketball, bow) you just can’t escape the fact that they’re wild animals that have been trained somehow.

 There were also some kitty cats there – one adult tabby and three little jet black kittens that I think were its offspring. One of them was more vicious than KK – cute!

We were then driven to our longtail boat and scooted off to a village built entirely on stilts over water. Lunch was superb and very generous. I spent a good half-hour trying to ignore a lovely little girl who was selling postcards. Persistent, but I just didn’t want any!

  Our next stop was sea-canoing round some of the smaller islands. A paddler in the back and one to three passengers (one in my case), drifting round some of the most beautiful natural rock formations you could even imagine. Several could only be entered through low overhanging tunnels, meaning all passengers had to lie flat on their backs to get in. I’ve got a ton of pictures, but not one of them could even hope to do these sights justice.

This was a hugely enjoyable hour and I was sad when it ended. Definitely one to go back to again.

Finally, we approached “Bond Island”. This is the one used as Scaramanga’s lair in the Man With the Golden Gun, including the smaller spur which housed the huge radar dish at the end. In honesty, there’s not a lot actually at the island – certainly no enormous underground bunkers or million-dollar-a-shot hitmen. However, it is a geological marvel and there’s a cave full of bats with a ceiling low enough that I managed to get a good few pictures of the little critters.

 Overall another very informative and eye-opening day in Thailand. Dinner was at KFC (OK, OK, I’m weak) with Swensons for desert with Sarah and Siobhan (another redhead – I seem to be attracting them this week). It’s currently 9pm or thereabouts on Friday evening and I’m sat with a cold beer and about 10 other people watching Super Troopers on DVD. I’d like to go through to Phatong for some more beerage, but in all honesty I’m somewhat tired! 

I got nattering to a lass from Leeds (Sarah) and we went for a wander into the town to kill some time. McD’s for lunch (I am so bad) followed by a Swenson’s ice cream desert, at a ridiculously low price. Back home, this would have been £6 or so. It was 130Baht here and it was gorgeous! We also caught 16 Blocks at the cinema for a whopping 90Baht. Not the classic I would have hoped from Richard Donner and Bruce Willis, but not bad I suppose.

We went past Swensons again on the way home. OK, when I say “past” I mean we went in. Oops. Their banana split is divine.

 Next day, we headed for Phatong – one of the beaches in the area and the one with the most nightlife. We crashed out on sun loungers for most of the afternoon. The Kiwis went jet-skiing while I finished another novel and then we tootled off for some grub. And, boy, did we find some. A newly-opened rock bar had 20% off their burgers… and in fairness they could have charged 20% extra. Phenomenal. I had a chicken burger and it was one of the finest I’ve ever had. The other lads had a regular burger and a Kong burger (which was huge). The chips were basically two entire potatoes, cut into about 5 bits and deep fried. And they had HP sauce.

While trying to locate a bus, we bumped into a lass from the hostel, Joleen. Flame-haired and as Irish as they come! I don’t think she’d kissed the Blarney stone – more likely swallowed the thing. This woman has the gift of the gab! Sadly, we’d missed the last bus. We didn’t think we had, despite a taxi driver trying to convince us otherwise, but Joleen checked with some nice ladies outside the “Bum” hairstylist (I kid you not) and the last bus was at 5:30. It was 5:55. Argh.

We haggled with the taxi driver for ages. The bus is 20Baht per person and we managed to get him to agree to 150Baht to take us all back to Phuket Town. In the back of his utility vehicle. OK, Joleen got a seat in the front, but us three collapsed in the trailer part and enjoyed the wind in our hair (OK, OK… they did – I felt it waft over my head) as we sped back to the hostel. It was a great ride, with Thais beeping at us and waving. I don’t think they’re used to seeing Farang in the back of trucks, just other Thais.

A quick dinner and a pop to 7-Eleven for tinnies. And the beer ban was still in place, newspaper covering the nice fridge at the back. Argh. Then as we sat munching crisps and drinking water in walks Joleen. With a 4-pack of Leo. The gift of the gab strikes back. She’d just gone in and begged, basically.

Half an hour later, one of the Kiwis comes in. With 4 bottles of Singha. It had worked for him as well. Leo all run out, so it was my turn.

Shot down in flames. Gah. I think we’d used up a hostel-full of sympathy. So, I set off with the Belle of the Beer and we struck out on the other nearby 7-Eleven. The next shop up the road, however, was much more amiable and sold us more beer.

Nicely tanked up, the four of us headed back into Phatong for some nightlife. The tuk-tuk ride was… interesting. Many waves to and from passing Thais on motorcycles, one of whom was trying to light a fag at 40mph. Unsuccessfully. One of the Kiwis flagged him over, got his tab, lit it and passed it back to him. Good grief.

First stop was the rock bar which had promised us earlier it could sell beer from 6pm. It was now around 10pm and it was soft drinks only. A shame as there was a very good live band playing covers of Poison, Chili Peppers, Van Halen… We moved on (after I’d flooded one of the urinals. Oops) to Saxophone a few yards away, a jazz/blues bar with a superb live band on. A beer there (well, for me – everyone else did the cocktail thing) and on to the main strip.

It was like San An in Ibiza. Bar upon bar, people trying to force flyers on you, dodgy food stalls – the works. I lost at Jenga (luck of the Irish, grr) and got electrocuted by a fake pen (damn Kiwis) before we headed back. Some of us, not naming any Kiwis with impressive eyebrows, stayed awake all the way back. The two lads had to fly back to Bangkok at 6am, so started packing when we got in. Hope they had a good flight!

Joleen heard from a friend of hers about a boat trip and also packed up the next morning for a sail along the coast. Again, I hope she has a great trip! I may do the sailing thing down the coast of Vietnam. I’ll need to check my budget once I’m there.