Another early start, with 5am being wake-up time. We were camped very close to Kings Canyon so it was only a short journey after breakfast to this enormous natural feature, where we engaged in a 3 1/2 hour long walk. A lot of it was little stops here and there as our guide pointed things out and explained the Aboriginal take on a lot of it.

There are over 600 species of plant in the area around Kings Canyon. It is also the meeting place of three regions: the Western Desert, Simpson Desert and a Range of mountains that I didn’t catch the name of.

Anyone who’s seen the film Priscilla Queen of the Desert will recognise one of the spots in Kings Canyon from the “cock in a frock on a rock” scene, or so I’m told. I’ve not seen the film, but I had my photo taken at that spot. Apparently, they were going to film it at Uluru, but the Aboriginals didn’t take too kindly to it.

 We saw lichen on the rocks which is pretty much one of the oldest forms of life, around 3.5 billion years old (or a couple of thousand if you’re one of those nutty creationists), and “ghost gums”: pale trees covered in a white dust which almost glow in the dark. Aboriginals make the dust into a paste which works as a mild sunscreen.

At the bottom of the Canyon, down some stairs, is an area known as the Garden of Eden. It’s home to a lot of vegitation and wildlife, and a nice big pool where you can swim. I opted to just collapse in the shade, out of the fierce sun.

 Lunch after our trek was at a servo down the road, which had an outdoor pool. I took a dip in there to freshen up and cool off before our 5 1/2 hour drive back.

Exhausted, I arranged dinner with a couple of people from the tour (all German!) and headed for my room at Melanka’s. A shower was the first requirement, so off I toddled and came back to my room feeling awake for the first time in days.

Only to find I couldn’t get into my room.

The key just span uselessly round in the lock, barely even catching the lock mechanism. So there I stood, dripping water on the floor with nothing on but a towel and a rather pissed-off expression. I plodded over to reception which meant going outside and back in, and caught them just as they were closing up for the night. Another five minutes and I don’t know what I’d have done.

 They swapped my key for another one. I walked back. It span in the lock. I kicked the door. My towel fell down and I flashed a rather scared-looking Asian girl. I regained my composure (and towel) and walked back to reception. There, they offered me another room and swapped my key. “Erm… problem,” says I. The chap hadn’t seen that I was wearing a towel. He assumed I was just walking around without my shirt on! I needed to get my things out of the room, so he came over with the key to my new room (a double – whoop) and the master key.

Which span round and round in the broken lock.

Until finally it just “clicked” and we got the door open. I retrieved my stuff, ran to the new room, got dressed and just made it in time for dinner with Michaela and her friends. I had a rather nice camel burger (tastes very much like steak) and we stayed out till around 3am. Which was a bit silly as I had to get up at 5:00… 

 Today was our earliest rise of the trek – 4am. We wanted to catch sunrise at Uluru, so obviously this entailed getting up before sunrise so we could be elsewhere when it happened.

We got there and, as with sunset, the view was amazing. The only problem was that, for me, we were too close and I couldn’t get the whole rock into my pictures!

We next had two choices – to walk around the rock or to climb it. The Aboriginals request that you don’t climb Uluru, in fact you can get “I didn’t climb Uluru” stickers and t-shirts from the gift shop. However, they won’t stop you unless it’s unsafe and guide rails have been put in on the steeper sections. Uluru is of huge religious significance to them, being used as part of male coming-of-age rituals, and is the home of some of the beasts in which they believe. Our guide said it was akin to climbing a church or a mosque.

 Well, you know my views on religion. I don’t lack respect for any one in particular so it would be unfair to pick out the Aboriginals’ for special treatment. I climbed it.

Five of us from the group made our way up the steep opening section, our way constantly halted by collapsing Japanese tourists who probably hadn’t realised exactly how steep it was at the beginning. After this first stage, there is a natural “rest” area where we gathered and waited for the Korean chap in our group who seemed to be struggling, but who didn’t give up!

The next section wasn’t as steep, but ended in another flat area where the wind roared past. The rock is shut to climbers in certain circumstances (rain, high winds, high temperatures and so on) and I think the winds had peaked the allowable limit. However, we were already on the rock so we kept going.

 The final section is “up and downy” as you clamber over rounded crevices in the rock to finally reach the monument marking the top of Uluru. Up here I still had 4-bar reception on my phone so sent a few texts to annoy people.

I would say the best views from Uluru are during the climb, not actually right up at the top. Uluru is a huge, flat thing so when you’re at the “peak”, there’s a lot of rock before the horizon which obscures the views. However, it was definitely worth the effort though there was of course the realisation that we had to get back down again. The Aboriginals have yet to conceed to having a lift installed.

My shoes died on the climb down. Both soles were ripped through and I was in no position to buy another pair for almost a week. At least it’s not quite wet season so there was no issues with leakage.

When we arrived at the bottom, we saw that the climb had indeed been closed due to high winds. It was lucky we’d made an early start. Our guide took us on a short walk around the base, pointing out some of the cultural areas and giving us some information on the customs and flora. Looking up at the sides of Uluru it brings images of how impressive it would also look in torrential rain with water cascading down it.

Everyone by now was rather hungry having been up for five hours, and therefore convinced it was lunchtime. It was barely after 9am! Instead, we went to the cultural centre for a quick walk around, and a visit to the cafe… which didn’t last long once we’d seen the prices. Ouch.

 Finally, we had lunch and then set off on another long drive. On the way, we gathered wood at the roadside to use to cook dinner. As we were preparing the food, I spotted a fairly HUGE spider scrambling around near the sink and casually pointed it out to one person. Who screamed. Which scared the spider. Which ran like hell towards everyone and under the long kitchen table.

Women screamed and jumped on benches (I kid you not – it couldn’t have been more stereotypical an image if it was scripted) and men ducked under to have a look at this monstrous arachnid. Finally, the guide located a glass and a sheet of paper and threw the hairy critted outside.

After dinner, a didgeredoo (don’t tell me I’ve mis-spelled this as I’ve seen about 5 different versions) was passed around so we could all embarass ourselves with how bad we were at playing it. I think my effort was somewhere between “gasp” and “fart”. Not as easy as it looks! 

 And another early start. Several of the group I arrived in Alice with were also on this trip, a three-day trek south-west of Alice Springs and around the nearby national park. Bleary-eyed, we loaded our luggage onto the bus and set off before our bodies registered what time it was and shut down in protest.

Our first stop was at a camel farm. Yes, camels. There are around half a million camels in Australia, and that’s only the wild ones. Camels were brought into Oz to act as pack animals when the telegraph line was being built between Adelaide and Darwin, and the railroad from Alice to Darwin, in the late 19th and early 20th century. Once the railway was built, the camels had effectively done themselves out of a job and their handlers (cameliers) set them free to roam in the outback. Technically, all the camels you see in Oz are dromedaries – they only have the one hump – and they’re now highly sought after by the Afghans from where they were originally purchased all those years ago – talk about ice to Eskimos or coals to Newcastle! The ones which have bred in the Outback are very hardy and stronger than the native Afghan camels.

 When we left, our guide handed out whiteboard markers and told us to scrawl on the windows of the bus. Names, nationalities, flags… whatever. Makes a change to introductions around the dinner table! Our mix of nationalities on this trip:

1 x Aussie (the guide), 5 x Germans, 1 x Scot, 4 x Irish, 4 x English, 1 x Czech, 2 x Swedes, 1 x Dutch, 1 x Canadian, 1 x French, 1 x Japanese, 2 x Korean and 1 x Dane. Thankfully, as ever, everyone spoke English to some degree. I think two of the German girls were a little “rusty” but speaking to them never posed any problems. If they’re reading this – your English is better than you think it is!

An hour or so down the road and the coach tilted as everyone rushed onto the left hand side to catch their first glimpse of Uluru… only it wasn’t. Locally known as “Fooluru”, Atila (“home of the iceman” in Aboriginal) is 1.5 million years older than Uluru and is actually horseshoe-shaped. However, as you drive along the main highway, only the closed end is presented and it does a passable impression of its more significant sibling. No Aboriginals live in the area as it’s believed to harbour bad karma.

 Passing this, we stopped at Curtin Springs to gather supplies. OK, to gather beer. The last alcohol stop before the campsite, and they know it judging by the prices. Laden with cans and bottles, we drove to out campsite in Yulara – actually a complex of holiday homes and permanent tents a few minutes’ drive from Uluru itself. No building in the resort can be higher than 13m tall – the height of the surrounding scenery.

After unpacking and eating lunch, we boarded the bus and drove to Kata Tjuta, a nearby range of mountains formed around 1000 million years or go. Give or take. We took the Valley of the Winds walk around the base, and you can see how it got it’s name when you get around the back and the breeze is channeled into a miniature gale. Kata Tjuta is formed mainly of volcanic rock (granite and basalt) and sandstone, plus conglomerate (dry mud) which packs it all together. Uluru is purely sandstone.

 Here’s some science, folks. This is how we westerners believe it was formed. All those years ago, the surface of our planet was one huge landmass. Australia was part of the southern section called Gondwana. Parts of what is now Western Australia were above water. Tectonic plates (huge slabs of planet, basically), moved and where they clashed formed mountain ranges running north/south. These eroded down and the ocean started drying up. 350 million years agi and another shift in tectonic plates from Antarctica formed east/west ranges of mountains – the McDonald Range around Alice Springs, Flinders Range in Southern Oz, Uluru and Kata Tjuta. These ranges rose out of the earth at maybe 1cm per year. Again, over time, these were eroded and shaped by the weather and are now a fraction of their original size.

Kata Tjuta came from rocks under the ground being forced upwards and this shows as the striations on the present formation run horizontally. Uluru was a single segment of rock which rose upwards – its striations are vertical and could extend as far as 6km below the surface. Plant life and stable tectonics prevent further erosion.

Our last stop was to the sunset viewing at Uluru where we met quite a few of the other people we’d travelled from Cairns with. Pretty much everyone had gone on to do similar trips with various companies. The sun sets fairly quickly, but the view we had was magnificent as Uluru changed from a bright red to a darker colour and then vanished in the darkness.

Back at camp, I manned the barbie and managed not to kill a single person with my cooking. I was very pleased, though probably not as pleased as they were.

Tonight, I slept outside in a genuine swag. Essentially, it’s a sleeping bag which includes a mattress on the bottom. Most of us slept under the stars and believe me – there’s a lot of them if your hemisphere’s not as polluted as the one back home. 

Pretty much slap bang in the middle of Australia, now that you ask. It’s surrounded by four deserts: Simpson, Tanami, Great Sandy (what a name) and Great Victoria (which couldn’t be further away from Victoria unless it took a holiday abroad).

My hostel for 2 nights now and one night when I get back from Uluru is Malankas. More information on this place on the Accommodation Page.

I spent the day wandering around the shops and loafing by the pool with a couple of people from my tour group, one of whom I know I’m on a bus with tomorrow. Others are on various other buses, or departed this morning on trips with different companies. Alice Springs has approximately nothing worth taking photos of. Yeah, there’s a nice signpost pointing to various cities in front of the church, but it’s hardly noteworthy. Alice itself is just a town. It’s somewhere people go when they want to visit somewhere else, and it seems to know it.

Final task was to catch a film as it was “specials” day at the cinema so the tickets were only $10. We went to see Saw III (Luke also caught Jackass 2) and it was, in honesty, a little disappointing. But it used up a couple of hours and I’m now about to head for bed. It’s half 11 in the evening, I’ve been awake since not long after 5am, and I have a 5:45am wakeup. I just hope the kids racing their cars up and down the street outside bugger off soon, or I may be forced to visit Mr Tyre with my friend Mr Slashy Knife.

 The morning rise was an early one, actually before sunrise. We had to be on the bus by 6am as we had almost 1000km to cover. Cereal was munched, tea drunk and we said our farewells to Mary while trying to stop the pigs making off with our bags or getting onto the coach and eating the snack food.

Our trek today would involve few stops, only at stations and for the bush toilet. There are no towns between Boulia and Alice Springs, so we had to ensure everything was ship shape (or bus shape) and off we went, heading through the Simpson Desert, Australia’s 4th largest desert – it covers 2.4% of Oz’s entire landmass.

 By now, some of the passengers were making an effort to sing G’day, G’day and I made an effort not to strangle them. It was hard to sleep as Laurie had the bus swinging from side to side all over the road, trying to get the smoothest and safest track through the gravel. After our morning potty break, we watched MI:3 with a pause as we stopped at the border to the Northern Territory at 9:10. Or 8:40 once we’d put our watches back.

Four kilometres further on, we pulled in at Tobermory Station for refreshments. This is one active station with 1.8 million acres and 30,000 head of cattle. And one gorgeous big horse.

Our next stop was for photos of a 5m high 150-year-old termite mound. I won’t go on about how impressive termites are – dig back through the archives to my day at Kakadu for all that!

 Lunch was at one final station (I didn’t catch the name) where we had to eat or chuck everything we had left to make room for Laurie to restock when we got to Alice.

One more bush toilet break and Laurie popped on The Bone Collector as he continued to weave and judder us around on the unpaved highway.

There was one more stop. This one unscheduled. At around 3pm, a harsh “buzz” could be heard from the dashboard and Laurie pulled over. He stood up, faced us all, said “shit” and walked out top open up the engine compartment at the rear of the bus.

 It seemed that the alternator was shot. The aircon had failed a few minutes earlier, but still the battery power was dropping at an alarming rate, hence the warning buzzer. Fortunately, we had two things with us – a spare alternator and a Scotsman who knew about engines.

Half an hour later, having fitted the spare part and topped the battery up with water, we were on our way and the buzzer stopped. The aircon, though, was dead. Thankfully, today was cooler than the previous day and it was also late afternoon so the sun was dropping. Regardless, we all drank more water in those last few hours and we had in the previous day. Caps and leaflets were waved as fans and it was with a cheer that we greeted the “Welcome to Alice Springs” sign.

Laurie hopped out on the outskirts of town to be replaced by a local driver who took us to our various hostels (I’m in Melanka’s). After a shower and a change, we met up again at Annie’s for dinner. Kangaroo curry – mmmmm! More beer, more drinking games and then bed at 1:30am. I have a whole day in Alice to kill before getting on another bus for a 3-day camping trip around Uluru.

Just so I have it on here, the coach company who took me from Cairns to Alice Springs was Desert Venturer, part of Down Under Tours.